Following my father's death a few years ago, it looks like I am becoming increasingly similar to him. He had four children with my mother in all, and despite seeing her chastise him away more times than I can count, he attempted, even at unusual hours, as he did throughout his life, to be a part of our lives. Even if years have passed, if he has your address, he will appear out of nowhere. Regardless, my mother was aware, but humiliation after humiliation, including calling the authorities on him and even hanging up on him when my father phoned to check on us, had taken its toll. I'm sure Mom had her reasons, but he managed to get in a few times, and you never knew when Mother might let him in. I suppose circumstances compelled him to learn the art of yielding. He had to let go after all those fights, which had lasted decades, not so much in his mind and emotions. I know he fought back. As a result of all of this, I believe that I am similar to my father. I've learnt to let go of everything, even people. At first, just getting rid of objects with little sentimental value was also tough, so imagine how difficult it was when it came to cutting some people off.
I went to a camp with my primary school for a couple of days when I was approximately 12 years old, and I grieved when it was over. How many of us can relate to this situation? It wasn't because the memories were too intense to let go of, but because it was over. I remember brushing my teeth and my mum hearing me sob the entire time. She couldn't understand why I was sobbing, but I didn't even know why I was sobbing so much myself at the moment. But I knew the event would never happen again since it was unique and unusual.
I mentioned that I was starting to look like my father. To be honest, I believe I learned to disengage after realising certain facts in my own life. My father's letting go did not mean he was no longer suffering our absence or the loss of his previous existence. I remember him having a photo of us, but he also had a tiny photo album of us that he would go through and cry over. At this point, my father had access to us, and as time went on, technology made things a bit easier, then a lot easier, but anyway, I realise that, being the oldest and closest to my father, I spent more time with him than my siblings, but he had access to all of us, and they had access to him as well. So maybe that's what irritated me, since the tears might have been again averted at this point because I believed letting go would be a lot easier.
I've discovered that, as painful as it is, letting go may be done in a healthy way, even if you were the toxic one. Without addressing them, I've allowed people to walk all over me, feel for me, and say anything they wanted to me. I simply take it in and then complain about what the other person said or did to me to the next person. We are all so accustomed to doing this that it has a corrosive impact on us. I had no idea how damaging this was since the person to whom I was venting would then find it simple to microverbally attack me later on, or years later, and you get the picture (unhealthy).
It went on for years until I realised I needed to get away from the phone. In my life story, I decided to learn to listen more and offer less of my life story. Yet even with less of myself but more of me, some individuals were irritated or exasperated that they needed me to listen to them much more and then cut me off every second or judged me when I finally opened up. That led to hours of not finishing my story. I had to delve deep inside myself and ask myself why I let negativity and criticism seep into me and why I allowed them to make me feel like I was overly sensitive to their offense. I have to stop justifying their actions and see the brightness shining through the darkness of their statements. It was no longer acceptable. But get this, it took years!! That means, within those years, I have let it be known, I have expressed it, whether right away, the year after, or years later. I mean, I did not want to offend, but of course, "it was me that was intense". And I agree that I need to step back and be more mindful of myself. The mocking of me, the picking at my looks, basically not allowing myself to no longer step in places where I was not celebrated, I can say, literally became vital, whether family or not.
It is true that when it comes time to let go, you must ask yourself serious questions and evaluate yourself to also understand what makes you feel the way that you do. Analyze the situation from all angles, and bring it up if needed before going along with the decision. Take some time alone or apart to understand what got you to that point. How does it play on your emotions? Is it an accumulation of things combined? Can you identify them? Do you think you're exaggerating? Are you making excuses for them? Are they telling you the truth about yourself, but it's the way they deliver their message that causes an issue? How well do you accept criticism? Are you the one being too sensitive? Do they add value to your life? Do you feel respected and liked? Do they invite you into their lives, or do you invite them into yours? Is it a pleasant surprise to see you? When no one is looking or when you are in the company of others, how do they treat you?
Isn't there a set of rules to follow when it comes to getting rid of an old pair of shoes? So there are no silly questions, but when letting go, you must make your decision based on reasoning rather than emotion.
You must study every present, every photo that remembers you or still binds you to that person, or the item that is staring at you once you've decided on all the corners you need to let go of, or whole relationship. You have the option of burning them or storing them safely in an old shoe box. You will become unstable if you try to revive them every time you feel like you're missing them or during the grieving process, so it is best not to have them close by. Rather than sobbing, putting things aside until you have another chance to look at them will make you joyful to recall that moment, and you'll know you've healed when you do. Some people find strength in looking at old items in order to reach a conclusion they won't change their minds about. Thus, the idea is that you must do what works for you.
The process of letting go is divided into numerous stages. Although I mentioned total letting go, there is also partial letting go. You no longer invite them out since you don't have time for them, and you either ignore their calls or vow to call them back, but months pass. Even if all of this is true, people's lives are busy, which may or may not be true, and so on. Whatever the case may be, this is extremely toxic, and they should be turned off. Depending on how strong the previous connection was, you may be required to offer an explanation if you are prepared to do so.
Always consider what this decision might do to the other person or how it might make them feel.Always forgive and remember that everything has a season. It's the end of the road, but it's not the end of your journey. Accept it all for what it was, for the lessons, joy, and laughter it brought you, and for the progress it provided. Do not be afraid to grow into your love and light, because you have also contributed to the creation of some suffering while doing what is best for you and must be done at some point.Keep your head up and let time and process heal you on your walk, because if you don't do what's best for you now, you'll regret it later. Do what you know is to be done within you, from a place of love and light, and if you know you are at fault, say you are sorry, or it will catch on to you, always from a place of love and light!
MARCH 09, 2022